The Way I Waaaas (fleeting thought #2)

Unedited and written at age 24. (Almost 10 years ago… Holy moly~)

I had some good questions about aging, but, really, what was I thinking… I'm sure my skin rocked at 24. I need to give my younger self a love noogie for being silly. What can I say, youth is wasted on the young.
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fleeting thoughts #2, 3-7-2000, beautiful clouds everywhere

yesterday i happen to check myself out in the mirror. it felt like a long time, since i gave myself a good look in the mirror. i know some of you may indulge in this activity a bit too much, but that's cool too. it is good to enjoy what God created.

in any case, as i happen to gaze upon my physical appearance, i was kinda startled with the quality of my skin. sounds really shallow, news flash, but i am. anyways, i guess i was startled cuz i realized that i was physically growing old. my skin is not as fresh, soft and clean as it was when i was a young girl and i SEE the fine lines and little scars of the ugly pimples that visit me from time to time. even though some of you folks are blessed with nice skin, it is all eventually gonna sag and wrinkle, so don't quietly boast. i am not saying that growing old is a horrible disease, but at the tender age of 24, i am left with a sense of....um.....disbelief. it's the "i cannot believe it's not butter" feeling.

it's a disbelief of how physically old i am on the outside. i am not complaining about my age, cuz i know i am still young, but compared to the way i feel inside, well.. 24 seems like a foreign land. it kinda feels like istanbul or something. it kinda feels like my current age is like 10 million miles away, but it's not. it is here and now. whatever age we are, i think i can say that we secretly carry this sense of "i'm ___years old. wow!" this can be a "wow" of dismay or a "wow" of awe. i guess it really depends on our self-image and feeling at the moment.

why is that we feel a sense of division or discrepancy of our outer age and our inner age. what is age anyways? who in the heck made that up? maybe mr. hallmark wanted to make an extra buck on the birthday card sales. don't know where it came from, but it is here to stay. this thing called "age" is here to stay and it's gonna let us count the ways, like the elizabeth barrett browning poem that goes like this...how do i love thee? let me count the ways. don't know if i wanna know the actual number mrs. browning.

as i was gawking at my complexion, i imagined myself at 30, 40, 50.... it was scary. it was scary cuz i knew hitting 30, 50 or 75 wasn't 10 million miles away and it was more scary cuz i was wondering if i could "deal" with the reality of any age that comes my way. that is, will i feel like a 35 year old with a mortgage and 2 kids when i actually hit 35 or will i feel like a 65 year old hitting retirement when i actually hit 65. all these pseudo-deep questions make me wonder how we are suppose to feel at any age. (folks, this is the main question and point) what does it mean to feel 18, 21, 25, 30, 35, 40, 50, 60... how are we suppose to feel when we are 40 years old with a job we feel "blah" about and a mortgage that makes you want to wish you were at a morgue. if any one you have the answers, the book on "how you are suppose to feel at any age" or the beta, vhs, cd-rom or dvd movie version, let me know. i would be very interested.